With Equal Parenting Week on the horizon and my brother and his wife recently welcoming twin boys, I’ve been reflecting on how the bond you form with your kids is affected by the decisions you make about the way you work and the flexibility you are able to access.
I’m Illen and I live in Scotland with my wife and two daughters aged 3 and 5. I’ve spent almost the entirety of my career working in professional settings within charities and businesses, at first based in London and then, since 2020, remotely. Currently I am the Global Social Impact Manager at a large, international travel management company.
My brother is about to face exactly the decisions I wish I’d made differently. Here are my reflections — I hope they help you make the right decisions for you.
Your bond with your children is formed early — so think carefully about how you plan your work
My eldest daughter was born in 2020 and when she came along I was unemployed. Not ideal. And not just temporarily unemployed but 8 months into unemployment. I had been made redundant just before the pandemic lockdowns began and so not only did I not get much of a redundancy package but I did not benefit from furlough and job opportunities became very scarce.
As is so often the case in life it ended up benefitting me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I was able to spend three months with my daughter before I went back to work. Once I did go back to work I was working for a charity (shout out charities for their flexible working policies!) and I worked compressed hours with a day off each week. The upshot was that I was able to form a true bond with her thanks to the dedicated time off initially and the fact that I had a whole day with her each and every week, something that continued until she was 3 years old.
The flexible working schedule I had meant I was able to play as close to an equal parenting role with my wife as I was able to without personally breastfeeding. I’m convinced that the close relationship I have with my eldest is a direct result of that time.
Insight 1: Flexible working isn’t just about helping out with drop off and pick up — it can mean dedicated time to make core memories with your child. That stays with you forever.
By the time my youngest came along in 2022 things were very different. I was working for a small-ish business and I was only due the statutory two weeks’ leave. What a comedown! Luckily, my employer at the time offered unlimited annual leave and so I was offered an additional two weeks of paid leave meaning I had four weeks in total. While I was very lucky, I felt slightly cheated given the incredible three months I had had with my eldest. The other contrasting factor was that I was working full time, five days a week.
Now my youngest is three-and-a-half years old I am slightly haunted by the what-ifs and the moments and memories we might have had had I had longer with her during paternity leave and afterwards through a more flexible working arrangement. That is probably overstated but the cliché is so true: they’re only little for such a short period of time and you only get one go round. Which brings me on to insights two and three:
Insight 2: Choose your employer carefully. If there’s even a sniff of you expecting children in the upcoming months or years then make sure you check out their paternity leave policies. I wish I had.
Insight 3: One day out of a working week over a three-year period is approximately 138 days. While you may not be looking to take a full day out each week, it just shows you the potential for core-memory making time.
Working from home is an absolute game changer
By far and away the most impactful thing I have done in the five or so years since becoming a parent has been to work from home. It’s something I’ve spoken to fellow dads about in my current company and I know they feel the same.
When I was young I didn’t see my dad much growing up. He’d already left for work by the time I’d woken up and usually would return home after I had gone to sleep. Most family holidays were with my mum and when I look back at photos from these trips my dad is in very few of them.
Working from home means I am there to see them off to school — when your children often need support the most — and to welcome them home and hear about how their day has been. There is nothing better when you’re having a tough day than seeing your child come home from school with a spring in their step, excited to show you the twig they picked up in the playground.
Insight 4: Being physically present — even just in the background — is something you can never get back. Working from home puts you in the frame, literally and figuratively.
The 5 Year Career Gear Strategy
With this experience under my belt, I recently felt ready to give some much needed (unsolicited) advice to my younger brother. It centres on what I (just) christened my 5 Year Career Gear Strategy — and it’s what I wish I had done with my career in the first five years of my kids’ lives.
Why five years? This is broadly speaking the time you have with them before they start school and you’ll be limited to school holidays for your bonding time with them — forever.
If you’re a dad thinking about how to co-parent while making the most of this incredible period, here’s how I’d think about it.
0–1 years (Pre-nursery)
Career gear: First or Second
You’ll sleep least, form early bonds with your child and begin the habits that dictate parenting responsibilities for years to come. It’s seat of the pants time so you’ll need to be on your toes and be prepared for the unexpected. For your partner, it’s an intense time from a physical and psychological point of view so you’ll need to be there for them too.
The move: Don’t plan your career-defining moments during this time. Take the maximum paternity leave available to you and consider a role where, at the very least, you know you’ll have an understanding manager should you need to take time out at short notice.
1–4 years (Early years / Nursery)
Career gear: Third or Fourth
Your partner may go back to work (or not). You’ll hopefully get a little more sleep, a little more routine and a little more ‘me’ time while they’re at nursery. A big chunk of your pay packet will mysteriously disappear and will be replaced with various viral infections, germs and bugs of all kinds.
The move: If you want to work part-time, now may be the best time — you can take your child out of nursery (saving on fees) and start making those core memories on your day off. You can begin laying the groundwork for that promotion, but all round you’ll hopefully be able to give a little more to your work. This is when having a work from home or hybrid role is going to be most important.
And don’t forget to start parenting out loud at work!
5 years+ (School begins)
Career gear: Fifth
School starts. Suddenly you’re not able to take your kid out at a moment’s notice for that spontaneous trip and you’re limited to holidays during very expensive half-term times. You may want the flexibility to do school drop off and pick up and an inflexible working arrangement will mean you get neither.
The move: Go for that promotion, start that business or new initiative. This is when things hopefully become a little more affordable once they leave nursery. But working from home is still majorly important — and having an honest conversation with your partner about what both of you want from your careers becomes critical. Who will do drop off and pick up? Who is taking them to which school club on which days? The flexibility each of you has will dictate the answers, but making sure you’re both happy with that arrangement is key. No one wants to feel forced into a parenting responsibility simply because the other person’s workplace culture is poorly suited to being a parent.
Many dads reading this won’t have the luxury of selecting their next role with all of this in mind. But if you take one thing from Equal Parenting Week: the decisions you make about how you work in the first five years of your child’s life are decisions you will never get the chance to make again. Make them count.